Do you have an ethical dilemma?
Are you tired of grappling with it all by yourself?
Would you like to have my capable, experienced hands wrapped around your big, hard ethical problems?
The wait is over!
I’m pleased to introduce the launch of Dr. Free-Ride’s Ethics Line, bringing you discreet ethics consultations by phone for the reasonable rate of $1.99/minute.
Let me talk with you about your unique ethical needs. We can do this one-on-one, or, if you’re feeling adventurous, we can make it a group thing.
Or, tell me about your ethical fantasies hypotheticals. I can’t wait to hear all the details and then describe to you what we will do with them …
On Dr. Free-Ride’s Ethics Line, I will cater to your specific needs.
Want to get down and dirty in the details of federal regulations for research with human subjects or animals? I’ll do that with you.
Ready to work up the courage to disclose your significant financial interests to the world? Disclose them to me first on a private, non-judgmental call.
Tired of manipulating that same old figure for each journal submission? I’m prepared to tell you just how naughty you’ve been, to give you the punishment you’ve secretly been wanting, and to help you develop a plan to use your new data and figures that show off their natural beauty.
You know you want to. Click the payment button to get started.
Frequently Asked Questions:
Who else have you provided with this kind of, um, “consulting” service?
Lots of scientists, with ethical problems of all shapes and sizes. I can’t give you their names, though, and I’ll never reveal yours — confidentiality is just that important to me.
Does giving ethical advice for money compromise your objectivity?
Who gave you that idea? And do you really think $1.99/minute is enough to move me from my principles?
Look, if you call Dr. Free-Ride’s Ethics Line, I’m going to tell you what you need to hear, not necessarily what you want to hear. It may hurt at first, but you will love it. And if you don’t, at $1.99/minute, at least the pain isn’t costing you much.
Do you have any conflicts of interest to disclose here?
Not until the big corporations or universities that might be able to use my ethical advice decide to pay for my services. (You know where to find me, big corporations and universities!)
If I’m paying by credit card or PayPal, is our consulting session really confidential?
Yes! The charge for our session will appear on your statement as “Free-Ride’s Sexy Phone Time”.
Are you ready to show me your ethical quandaries? Click the payment button now to get the ball rolling!
Oh, this is classic! May your coffers fill and your pockets jingle. (Certainly if all who could use some ethical counseling avail themselves of this service, you will be rolling in munyeh.)
I CLICKED, YOU FUCKER!
I wasn’t going to click since I know what today is but was curious once I read what Comradde wrote. Lol. Like that song though. I remember when it was out on the radio a lot, a friend and I went to the store to get a tape (yes, cassette tape) of it but didn’t know what the song was called, just some stanzas and the tune. Guess what my friend did. She started singing it to the clerk. It was really funny. I think I was more embarrassed than she was.
I have a raging ethical dilemma, but I’m afraid to bring it up in front of such an accomplished and experienced ethicist like yourself.
What if you have a look at my dilemma, laugh, and say “Is that what you call a big dilemma?”
And even if my dilemma is impressive to begin with, what if it takes less than a minute for you to finish grappling with it? Will you be disappointed? Do you charge for a minimum number of minutes to cover such eventualities?
I have such confession anxiety!
I knew something was “Up” as soon as I read “have my capable, experienced hands wrapped around your big, hard ethical problems”. Too cool! Lol.