Santa’s scientific credentials.

David Ng at The World’s Fair asks what kind of scientist Santa Claus might be. I’m not sure I have the answer to that, but I at least have a hunch about what kind of scientist might make the most headway studying Santa. (Of course, if Santa followed Socrates’ advice to “Know thyself,” that would be the kind of scientist Santa should be.)

So, here are the facts as we know them:

1. Santa delivers gifts or toys to millions of locations in a fairly narrow window of time in the same night.
2. Despite his reputed girth, Santa manages to make it down the chimney.
3. Observing Santa at work is a Very Bad Idea.

There’s also stuff about flying reindeer, his ample supply of coal, and his fondness for cookies, but I think those are all incidental.
Clearly, Santa is harnessing some sort of quantum-level mojo to get the job done.
Unless he’s traveling at the speed of light, the only plausible way for him to hit so many locations nearly simultaneously is to be in some kind of serious superposition of these locations.
Getting through the chimneys? Maybe he’s acting like light traveling through a thin slit (which might give folks with a double chimney the opportunity to observe a Santa diffraction pattern). Or it could be some kind of tunneling phenomenon. Either way, it sure seems like he’s taking advantage of some wave-like properties.
And of course, the big reason why children should not stay up late to catch Santa in the act is that observing him is bound to collapse his wave function and spoil Christmas for the other kids everywhere. That would be very naughty indeed.
Santa, therefore, might be well-served by a background in quantum physics.
As far as the elves go, right now I’ve got nothing.